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iliza shlesinger: war paint

No! Make it rain. He’s like, “oh, yes, ’twas… “’twas a bit of a new recipe. Hold on one… “okay, hold on. Really? You have to, okay? All right, where do you want me to put it?” “Why don’t you put it in my pussy!” “No!” It’s not a lady word. Let’s talk about the first hour of being drunk mostly because many of you are in that hour right now. “I’m gonna do a shot and then have a glass of water, “and then a shot, and then a glass of water. And she’ll rationalize why he’s not a rapist based solely on the way that he’s dressed. They don’t tell you in the commercial your face stays exactly the same as it was. “I have to pee. I know that your favorite team is the cowboys. “Is she into the dark arts? Silver spoons, if you like Ricky schroder, ’80s TV shows, you were born really wealthy, you can get on the plane. And we will talk about that. – Salad. Because we get each other ’cause we’re both pisces.” Which means nothing. They’re in the business of secondhand cattery. We like to gather information about you. I’m just having water.” “I’m just having…” “I’m just drinking water, but thank you.”. He’s hoping you’ll be flipping through the menu, and you’ll be, like, “I don’t know what to get. Huh?” “You’re just gonna leave it like this?” “I’m sorry. “What’s up? Where’s your lesbian Mountain partner?” You don’t like hiking. You’re so pretty.” “I know, this is great. We won the war, so there. You drive him to a neighborhood he doesn’t know. “And I put it in my pocket, and I go home with the phone bill.” “And I get home to my computer, and I take it out. God forbid you offend him and he leaves. “I love her so much. You ever been at work, your boss is never gonna be, like, “let’s get in those reports and start brainstorming.” You’re, like, “okay, I’ll be there.” “Oh, you were serious? Is anybody using a Duracell-operated device? Garden of Eden. Give you a hand job or go get fries? You gotta have a hump. You do your hair, you do your makeup, you shave your big toe. “Her name is Judy. I love doing that. You’re like, “this is so good.” And you’re feeling so good, right? If you've ever flown on a plane, her jokes about flying are hilarious. And I would give it a beard. That’s right. And it’s an excruciating experience ’cause you’re trying to just look pretty the whole time. And that’s what makes it burn so much. “What should I do? And just as you’re… I pull out my grabbing hand. Uh, if I could have any job… If I could have any job, I would be a cat. Magic with a ‘k’? For snootches. Not Rated You’re shivering. Snootch. Shake it for the money. That’s what guys say in the locker rooms with… with… With all their grossness. It’s war paint. You don’t go up to the nearest tree and just giraffe yourself like… “Cindy, I’ll be right there.” Handful of almonds. In the arms of the angel, far away from here, in this dark, cold hotel room, and the end, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah you were pulled… That’s it. Fantastic. And it’d have, like, a jar of pigeon whisperers. So everybody wins.” But even if it… even if it was a tingling sensation, we live in a society preconditioned to not want tingling. Sometimes babies are not so cute. Your spine is sticking out. Ladies, never order a lobster on a date. Absolutely, when I get drunk, I would rather eat than hook up with you. “Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. You’re just… Walk in. You’re not guarding Sparta. You’re cold, you’re hungry, and you… Everybody’s got that one girlfriend that has a poor moral barometer. They don’t fit, and you’re like, “fuck it. “Let’s do shots, bitches.” You and your awful friends line up at the bar. A vagina sounds like an Indian casino. I love you too. “Fuck yeah. I don’t…” “Do you want to get in shape?” You’re like… And by the way, it’s not asking you if you want to get in regular-person shape. Sometimes, I get that way around garbage disposals. And this cat was, like, 45 pounds. “Why? I have to pee, come on. “That’s right. Nobody’s working on a Friday. “Do you wanna do that? We do it. You’re having… You’re about to have sex. You may as well eat like one. That’s messed up. We love to get your attention. And then we hunt you. Go get your carrots. Sure, they go out. You’re just kind of staring out the window, wondering what birds taste like. What? And we’d have people wafting it with car mats just to make it go in some sort of circle. I fucking love you.” And you notice the drunker you get, the more Spanish you start speaking? Outstanding! “You’re gonna get enough of this in prison. Fuck you.” This is a cat paw. “All right, well, I gotta go.” “What?” “I gotta go, bye.” “Later.” And the guy is gonna try to get you to stay, right? That’s a big thing. “You got ‘grey’s anatomy’ on DVD? “That’s a really exotic name. You put on the makeup that you’re okay with sleeping in. So she’s… she’s done peeing. Just shits everywhere. I’m cold.” “I have to pee. It might have been kinda sorta funny once or twice, but it was done TO. “I’m gonna give you a hand job. It’s like a sexual contract from the sea. If you voted, you’re not doing a hand job. This isn’t a fucking game, all right? Instead… instead of a bell that you ring, I would get… I would get a raven. And they take such painstaking care to board zones one through three. That’s proper. Marry me.” It’s the easiest thing you can say that you do. But it’s gonna be on my terms.” “45 minutes long…” “No lotion…” “And you don’t break eye contact. I would be, like, a different kind of pharmacist, okay? The commercial that makes me feel the worst about myself, I would have to say, would be the P90X commercials. Don’t forget the kale. “And then, I Google a bunch of hentai porn, “masturbate, don’t wash my hands, “Facebook stalk my ex-boyfriend and his ex-girlfriends, “jot down their place of employment for future reference. And by research, I mean we Facebook stalk you. You start just saying things, like, “I would love to spend the afternoon with your mother. You fucking kick that door open even though it’s a pull-in door. ‘Cause at the end of the night when you’re all tuckered out, he’s gonna want to mouth-kiss you and touch your snootch, that’s why. And you send out a text that’s, like, “hey, everyone.” Make sure you write “everyone” in caps so it’s clear that it’s for, like, a bunch of people. He’s fine, all right? Let’s send some hand jobs overseas to China. “Should I… should I get it? Your eyes light up red. Be outside where the bugs are? How you like me now?” And then, the girl is, like, “oh, yes. “I’m like, ‘Brian Williamson. I do it too. “I love you. Babe, check this out.” Why are you doing that? “That’s my new thing, fresh. Where’s your brother?” Yeah. “Look at this. They’re like, “you can do it from the comfort of your own living room.” That’s ’cause your living room and a jail cell are roughly the same square footage. “Brr. Here’s the truth. It’s talking to, like, Navy seals. You can’t focus. Girls take going out very seriously ’cause that’s our hunting grounds. I couldn't take anymore. DEATH...and then some. You guys are fantastic. I feel so good.” And then, it hits you. You let him out of the car. As an adult, it’s not happening. Her innocent good looks are just a cover for Last Comic Standing winner Let’s lez out. I’d pull… I’d pull out a hand of dust. This is my dog Blanche, and I adopted her. You’re in that buzz. They call it “a tingling sensation.” And they try to, like, talk to the girls. I don't want to give away any more hints about her jokes, but I felt compelled to write a review. And I’d do it again. So they’re sitting there. Both are salty. Time to pay the Piper. Every girl’s had that boyfriend where you’re sitting on the bed in your target underwear waiting. I’m gonna see just how far I can push being drunk.” So you decide to do shots. Most women don’t hear that word, like, in professional ether. There’s no magic. If you work for an airline, I hate you. “I love my snake. “Hey, what’s up? But that’s what guys do in the locker rooms with the butt slaps and the sword fighting. One of the products that creeps me out… They have a product at every pharmacy called “k-y intense.” You seen the commercials for this thing? “Will you stop what you’re doing and come with me? “Do you pinky s… Do you pinky swear? Now boarding all zones. Secretly, I was waiting under the counter to hear the raven. My issue is with the boarding of the plane. You’re just… You pull one… You’re looking at his food. You haven’t cried yet. Esp… she hates you, especially during the day. “Todd? You’ll get raped with equipment in prison. What are you doing with that muscle? Go!” What kills me is that you get that I’m kidding. Do you have time in the morning to make a smoothie? You’re all wandering. Why? You’re like, “this is awesome. https://www.xfinity.com/stream/entity/8528954034909537112#! “Like, I’m just… i don’t know. When something is so cute, it makes you angry. Women are gatherers. It’s not talking to normal people. You’re like, “oh, my God. They’re speaking in code. Ladies don’t say that word. “P90X, disappoint your wife from the chin up on a nightly basis.” These guys at P90X, you want to look hot, just get in shape. The lobster is the most expensive thing on the menu, okay? It’s not asking you if you want to look mediocre when you go to the pool this summer, uh-uh.

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